I would have to say that the world really succcckks. I wish I could just work peacefully and full of passion to do the things that I want to do to help my friends.
My parents said that I have to prioritize myself. I don't prioritize my own needs ever. I am a block of flesh that is a resource for others to use.
I wish I could say that God cares for me and that he has a plan for me with full conviction. But I cannot right now. If there is a plan that exists, I do not know of it and I see no evidence of it (so far). If there is a plan then there is a plan but if there is none then I am all alone forlorn in the world of freedom to make my own way.
I used to think that desire was evil, so I purged desire from within me. I am now leaning towards wanting to cultivate desire for things. But my fear is that I will become covetous, materialistic like what I observe a lot of people in a lot of places to be.
I want to destroy something.
For me friendship is the most important thing, but for all it's worth friendship is nothing. I love my friends but I cannot give them anything. They cannot give me anything too but words. What is it that we give each other? Words.
This makes me think what is the value of being a friend of God? He says that he will give a reward. But is it the reward that we want to achieve or is it obedience to God. What is this reward that God speaks of in the Bible? Crowns? Words of praise, ("Well done good and faithful servant"), blessings, healing, victory over enemies, protection, peace.
If I think of God and ask him for guidance will he give it? Who is this Judeo-Christian God?
