Advice of Parents and the Living Drama

I would have to say that the world really succcckks. I wish I could just work peacefully and full of passion to do the things that I want to do to help my friends.

My parents said that I have to prioritize myself. I don't prioritize my own needs ever. I am a block of flesh that is a resource for others to use.

I wish I could say that God cares for me and that he has a plan for me with full conviction. But I cannot right now. If there is a plan that exists, I do not know of it and I see no evidence of it (so far). If there is a plan then there is a plan but if there is none then I am all alone forlorn in the world of freedom to make my own way.

I used to think that desire was evil, so I purged desire from within me. I am now leaning towards wanting to cultivate desire for things. But my fear is that I will become covetous, materialistic like what I observe a lot of people in a lot of places to be.

I want to destroy something.

For me friendship is the most important thing, but for all it's worth friendship is nothing. I love my friends but I cannot give them anything. They cannot give me anything too but words. What is it that we give each other? Words.

This makes me think what is the value of being a friend of God? He says that he will give a reward. But is it the reward that we want to achieve or is it obedience to God. What is this reward that God speaks of in the Bible? Crowns? Words of praise, ("Well done good and faithful servant"), blessings, healing, victory over enemies, protection, peace.

If I think of God and ask him for guidance will he give it? Who is this Judeo-Christian God?

Family, Work, Community, and Self

Life was great when I was a kid. One of my earliest memories was lying down on the bed between my mom and dad and I sighed out loud, "This is the life." This was one of the main reasons why I never wanted to grow up. I wanted to live in that moment forever. For me I don't have a family of my own yet. I don't think I can have a family of my own, and I don't see it possible that I will have a family of my own. My top priority in life is God, and I don't see how I can provide for the needs of my family if I am too busy going around doing God's work.

Now that I'm typing it, if I really was doing God's work, will he not provide for me? He will, I guess. He does provide for the birds and for the bees their food, but I, on the other hand, am human and he has given me work. I worry that I cannot provide for my family in the future. There just isn't enough money that I can earn. I could say, God will provide. But it might be irresponsible on my part if I just assume that, taking it for granted that God will provide for my needs.

Work. For work I have no idea what my direction is for my life. I have a job. I just have to do well. I worked at the biggest music retailer in the Philippines, doing purchase orders, training, preparing stuff, the works. I was lost, and then I interned for a Singaporean consulting company for a year and a half. I learned a lot but there was not enough work I guess. I now have a job doing sales for a bread shop trying to do wholesale. I want to excel, I do.

I guess the decisions that I have made today are influenced by the fact that I don't pay attention to my own needs and desires. I almost always look outward and see the needs of people and try to fill that gap. Right now my father is encouraging me to enter the Coast Guard. My own personal reason for going in is that I like the sea, and I see it as an opportunity for ministry. As for the work that I'll be doing there. I am not too sure if I will be a fit. But if I do, what kind of life will I lead? I need to pray about my career more.

Maybe I should just find what I am strong in and and focus on that. Like Strengthsfinder. It's a great starting point.

Community. I am stronger in the community. I work to help my church and I get excited to share the Gospel. I love to work to help others. I don't have much money to give to others but I try.

Self. I really don't value myself. I see myself as a burden to others, worthless, as if the world would be a much better place if I did not exist. My father would have had more money to spend for himself.

The events that led me to this view is just my own outlook. It is also that I am a Christian and I have failed my God in keeping away from pornography and all the stuff that comes with that stuff. I am shackled with the guilt of existence.

But depressing stuff aside, I take music to be very calming. It is one of the things that really makes me happy, I play the bass guitar proficiently, I have gigged in bars, churches, and recorded a dozen songs. I arranged my own stuff too. I don't think it is important but I think I should have some time for the things that I love as well. But friends are important too, I love hanging out with friends and playing board games with them. Sometimes I sacrifice work to be with friends putting more time than I should with them. But I guess I should change that to focusing on work, and focusing on friends and music when it's time for that.

Events that have molded me (number 1)

Are we going to Canada or are we going to stay in the Philippines? This was the conflict that my Father asked us When he told us the family that he was the Offered a position abroad. If He Takes the job then we leave the PMA, the place where I was born and raised for most of my life. I did not ask the specifics but, I imagine that the pay for that job was substantially more than what my dad was receiving back then. But at the end of that family meeting we all decided that we would stay in the Philippines as a family.

We had a few other family meetings similar to this but the common theme is that the family chose something other than money, and the seemingly better opportunity. I learned here that there will always be Decisions where we could say, "Alas!" 

It was perhaps the reason why I did not want to take a business related course. I did not want to think about money. Money was a dirty word. Even now I do not know how to prioritize my money. 'd rather focus on working and doing the things that I love doing. I took up Philosophy and Creative Writing for university. I took that course because I did not want to have a boring office job, I thought I wanted to be a pastor and preach the Gospel. I thought I wanted to go to Bible school. Now a big part of me does not want to share the Gospel. I have grown bitter with God saying that sharing the Gospel is useless if God does not work in me. I have begun to believe that God can share the Gospel without my effort, after all he is the one who changes the hearts of men. What use does he have of me but to burn? I do not bear fruit, I can not bear fruit.





So where am I now? Why am I where I am? I wish I could share the Gospel, but I have failed so many times in the past. I wish I could have some assurance of the future. I wish I could simply trust that tomorrow everything will be okay and that giving my life to sharing the Gospel will be all worth it. But I can not. Marx says, religion is the opium of the masses. I do not want to be blinded by the feel goodness of Christianity. I want assurance that what God wants for me is something.

Direction please

Brandon Sanderston and basically all the writers that I love say that the most interesting characters in novels are active characters. That Means They are prone to that action. When there is a problem They solve it. When They do not know what to do, They seek advice. They know what the characters want and go after it. i am not an active character in that I do not know what I want in life. 'm in the point in my life where I want to make money and want to Achieve greatness with people, but I do not see it happening. I do not know where I am headed Towards. Right now I am choosing to go to the Philippine Coast Guard. The Coast Guard is a branch of service in the government, much like the army. THEIR To briefly describe the mission: saving lives and Protecting others. 

At the moment, I truly desire to be selfish. I want to work for money, play the political game, and be great in the world. My heart wants to experience the satisfaction of being rich if there is such a thing as that. OR satisfied being in love. Whatever it is I want, I have it down in my heart to kill whatever desire I have in my heart. Then I will not have desire.

Why do I kill this desire? Maybe it is because I have Desired many things and did not get it. I sound emo, and it does suck! But rather than emo, let's just call my state bitter.  I have lost the game of expecting and have Learned to be a loser:  To not expect much from life. To not expect much at all. In fact, that's one way to win Because if I do not expect much then it would seem that I have met my expectations.

Maybe I will win in not expecting much from life, but it is winning nothing. What do I want to get? Like any normal guy, the thing that I want right now is money, the girl of my dreams. But I want more than that too. I want to learn about the world. I want to see the world and the different peoples, to know them not just on a superficial tourist level but in a deeper level of genuine friendship.

But deep in my heart, there is a desire to desire God. I don't even know what that means! I just think about God a lot of the time and try to read the Bible on most days that I wish to know the heart of God. God is mysterious and I have understood that I can never understand him. He let's trials come my way, I do not understand. He created me, I do not understand. He is, I do not understand.

Why? Why not? 

Let's google desire in the Bible .... Hmmm.

Here are some verses about desire:

Proverbs 8:17  ESV / 6 helpful votes

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord ,  and he will  give you the desires of your heart. 

Matthew 5:6

6  "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for They shall be satisfied . 

I want to want the Lord. If only I was more like David, who delighted in God. I wish I was less like me and more like David or even Jesus.

Lord God, please help me be more like you. Please guide me in my Decisions. Please kill me if you so desire, because I feel like it is better to die than to to sin against you, but I cannot help myself. Yes Jesus died from my sins, but that doesn't make me any better. Though he died in my place, my sin is a thorn against me. I have ugly desires. I have an ugly heart.

Dear Lord. What does it mean to follow you're will. Please reveal you plan for my life, I humbly ask this in Jesus name Amen.

Hopeless 1

I had a dream where I was standing on an island of dirt suspended in an expanse of emptiness and I just had to stay standing on the island of dirt. But after some time, I felt the impatience welling up in me. I couldn't take it and I wanted to go somewhere. I was thinking to myself, 'I need to get out of this island of dirt. I need to go somewhere. But everywhere is nowhere.' So I stepped forward into the vast emptiness to find myself falling into the darkness. I had stepped out of the safety of the island of dirt and found myself tumbling in the shadow of uncertainty.

Perhaps this dream is trying to teach me something. That I need to step out of my comfort zone. That I need to

Decisions is one of the hardest things to make. When a person does not know what to do with His life or what direction he is going.

My pastor once said, "Destination dictates direction..." or something like that. Basically his point was that your destination should affect how you choose your direction. And this illustration is justly made.

You can choose a direction but that does not mean that you will go where you want to go because... you have to choose the right path, when you choose the right path and follow it, you should go to the right place.

So I am asking myself as I write this blog, Where am I headed?

I remember again another dream that I had. That I cannot see around me but I can see the path ahead of me. The darkness is around me but there is light just beyond my feet. I'm heading nowhere but I just know the path in front of me. So I move and follow the path, not knowing where I am going, but walking forward anyway.