Direction please

Brandon Sanderston and basically all the writers that I love say that the most interesting characters in novels are active characters. That Means They are prone to that action. When there is a problem They solve it. When They do not know what to do, They seek advice. They know what the characters want and go after it. i am not an active character in that I do not know what I want in life. 'm in the point in my life where I want to make money and want to Achieve greatness with people, but I do not see it happening. I do not know where I am headed Towards. Right now I am choosing to go to the Philippine Coast Guard. The Coast Guard is a branch of service in the government, much like the army. THEIR To briefly describe the mission: saving lives and Protecting others. 

At the moment, I truly desire to be selfish. I want to work for money, play the political game, and be great in the world. My heart wants to experience the satisfaction of being rich if there is such a thing as that. OR satisfied being in love. Whatever it is I want, I have it down in my heart to kill whatever desire I have in my heart. Then I will not have desire.

Why do I kill this desire? Maybe it is because I have Desired many things and did not get it. I sound emo, and it does suck! But rather than emo, let's just call my state bitter.  I have lost the game of expecting and have Learned to be a loser:  To not expect much from life. To not expect much at all. In fact, that's one way to win Because if I do not expect much then it would seem that I have met my expectations.

Maybe I will win in not expecting much from life, but it is winning nothing. What do I want to get? Like any normal guy, the thing that I want right now is money, the girl of my dreams. But I want more than that too. I want to learn about the world. I want to see the world and the different peoples, to know them not just on a superficial tourist level but in a deeper level of genuine friendship.

But deep in my heart, there is a desire to desire God. I don't even know what that means! I just think about God a lot of the time and try to read the Bible on most days that I wish to know the heart of God. God is mysterious and I have understood that I can never understand him. He let's trials come my way, I do not understand. He created me, I do not understand. He is, I do not understand.

Why? Why not? 

Let's google desire in the Bible .... Hmmm.

Here are some verses about desire:

Proverbs 8:17  ESV / 6 helpful votes

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord ,  and he will  give you the desires of your heart. 

Matthew 5:6

6  "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for They shall be satisfied . 

I want to want the Lord. If only I was more like David, who delighted in God. I wish I was less like me and more like David or even Jesus.

Lord God, please help me be more like you. Please guide me in my Decisions. Please kill me if you so desire, because I feel like it is better to die than to to sin against you, but I cannot help myself. Yes Jesus died from my sins, but that doesn't make me any better. Though he died in my place, my sin is a thorn against me. I have ugly desires. I have an ugly heart.

Dear Lord. What does it mean to follow you're will. Please reveal you plan for my life, I humbly ask this in Jesus name Amen.