Events that have molded me (number 1)

Are we going to Canada or are we going to stay in the Philippines? This was the conflict that my Father asked us When he told us the family that he was the Offered a position abroad. If He Takes the job then we leave the PMA, the place where I was born and raised for most of my life. I did not ask the specifics but, I imagine that the pay for that job was substantially more than what my dad was receiving back then. But at the end of that family meeting we all decided that we would stay in the Philippines as a family.

We had a few other family meetings similar to this but the common theme is that the family chose something other than money, and the seemingly better opportunity. I learned here that there will always be Decisions where we could say, "Alas!" 

It was perhaps the reason why I did not want to take a business related course. I did not want to think about money. Money was a dirty word. Even now I do not know how to prioritize my money. 'd rather focus on working and doing the things that I love doing. I took up Philosophy and Creative Writing for university. I took that course because I did not want to have a boring office job, I thought I wanted to be a pastor and preach the Gospel. I thought I wanted to go to Bible school. Now a big part of me does not want to share the Gospel. I have grown bitter with God saying that sharing the Gospel is useless if God does not work in me. I have begun to believe that God can share the Gospel without my effort, after all he is the one who changes the hearts of men. What use does he have of me but to burn? I do not bear fruit, I can not bear fruit.





So where am I now? Why am I where I am? I wish I could share the Gospel, but I have failed so many times in the past. I wish I could have some assurance of the future. I wish I could simply trust that tomorrow everything will be okay and that giving my life to sharing the Gospel will be all worth it. But I can not. Marx says, religion is the opium of the masses. I do not want to be blinded by the feel goodness of Christianity. I want assurance that what God wants for me is something.