Family, Work, Community, and Self

Life was great when I was a kid. One of my earliest memories was lying down on the bed between my mom and dad and I sighed out loud, "This is the life." This was one of the main reasons why I never wanted to grow up. I wanted to live in that moment forever. For me I don't have a family of my own yet. I don't think I can have a family of my own, and I don't see it possible that I will have a family of my own. My top priority in life is God, and I don't see how I can provide for the needs of my family if I am too busy going around doing God's work.

Now that I'm typing it, if I really was doing God's work, will he not provide for me? He will, I guess. He does provide for the birds and for the bees their food, but I, on the other hand, am human and he has given me work. I worry that I cannot provide for my family in the future. There just isn't enough money that I can earn. I could say, God will provide. But it might be irresponsible on my part if I just assume that, taking it for granted that God will provide for my needs.

Work. For work I have no idea what my direction is for my life. I have a job. I just have to do well. I worked at the biggest music retailer in the Philippines, doing purchase orders, training, preparing stuff, the works. I was lost, and then I interned for a Singaporean consulting company for a year and a half. I learned a lot but there was not enough work I guess. I now have a job doing sales for a bread shop trying to do wholesale. I want to excel, I do.

I guess the decisions that I have made today are influenced by the fact that I don't pay attention to my own needs and desires. I almost always look outward and see the needs of people and try to fill that gap. Right now my father is encouraging me to enter the Coast Guard. My own personal reason for going in is that I like the sea, and I see it as an opportunity for ministry. As for the work that I'll be doing there. I am not too sure if I will be a fit. But if I do, what kind of life will I lead? I need to pray about my career more.

Maybe I should just find what I am strong in and and focus on that. Like Strengthsfinder. It's a great starting point.

Community. I am stronger in the community. I work to help my church and I get excited to share the Gospel. I love to work to help others. I don't have much money to give to others but I try.

Self. I really don't value myself. I see myself as a burden to others, worthless, as if the world would be a much better place if I did not exist. My father would have had more money to spend for himself.

The events that led me to this view is just my own outlook. It is also that I am a Christian and I have failed my God in keeping away from pornography and all the stuff that comes with that stuff. I am shackled with the guilt of existence.

But depressing stuff aside, I take music to be very calming. It is one of the things that really makes me happy, I play the bass guitar proficiently, I have gigged in bars, churches, and recorded a dozen songs. I arranged my own stuff too. I don't think it is important but I think I should have some time for the things that I love as well. But friends are important too, I love hanging out with friends and playing board games with them. Sometimes I sacrifice work to be with friends putting more time than I should with them. But I guess I should change that to focusing on work, and focusing on friends and music when it's time for that.